Sunday, June 05, 2005

Alright, I totally missed the month of May to start things off. But, I have a good excuse. I don't know what I wrote in the last entry, and I will apologize now if I repeat anything from the last entry. If you figured that I'm procrastinating on studying for my finals coming Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, go give yourselves a pat on the back.

A lot of the month of May have been studying, studying, and studying. Although I'm taking 14 units, I got two classes (O-Chem 317 and Bio 151) that are 5 units each and Physics 133 that is 4 units. On top of that each week in May I had a midterm. What sucked was that Physics and Biology midterm fell back to back, two times in a row. So every week I was just pooped and stressed out. The disappointing part is that I felt on the tests I could perform really well if I didn't have those two test back to back, because I kept on spacing out on problems that I knew how to do the night before. Overall, I'm just hoping for C's. In reality, D's this quarter. My parents will be very disappointed.

On top of that, I felt like my relationship with Cindy was put on a strain. I thought that she figured why I felt bored and tired all the time was because of just studying long hours and almost some non-stop whenever she is not around me. But, I don't know what it was, but she got an idea that I wasn't interested in her anymore because of how I looked, which isn't true. The whole misunderstanding reached a climax when after the second time I completed the physics and biology back to back and I was just looking forward to just relaxing and doing nothing after going through a lecture and lab for O-Chem for just another 4 hours. Afterward going through all that, I felt a great relief that came over me, I didn't feel stressed or tired, I was just overjoyed and happy. So, sort of in celebratory fashion, I came home and Cisco ask if I had anything to do tonight. I just wanted to have fun and not even think about school, so I went out to the arcades and played a lot of games. We came back and Cindy calls and I told her what I did last night. I did not know it, but she was upset by it.

On a Wednesday, my alarm didn't ring, and I don't know what happened to me, but I thought it was 10:00 am when I woke up. During 10 am on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday is the time where we meet up in front of the Avenue (a food court) to hang out for an hour before I go off to my O-Chem lecture. So I arrive there at 10:15 am and I saw that she wasn't there. So, I called her twice and usually she would pick up to tell where she was at. But, it went to her automatic voice message, so I assumed she was in her computer lab. So I ate breakfast in the avenue and looked outside to see if she would arrive, but she never did. I looked at the avenue clock and it read 10:30 am. I went to the arcades to check out who was there and watched some guys play Guilty Gear II. To my surprise, Cisco came in and asked when my next lecture was, and I told him it was at 11:00 am. He looked at his watched puzzled and said that it was already noon. So, I missed my lecture, and headed back to the apartment. Then Cindy knocks on the door and she was just really mad when she came in. She told me everything that she was upset by and I told my side to the story, which is a good portion of the entry that I've written. During that time, we got the issue settled, but I was just unsettled by how Cindy was upset because I caused it. Whenever I time to think about stuff, this often comes up. The problem here was that when I had the free time, I should have went over to Cindy's place at Mustang Village II (another apartment complex on the other side of the campus, but off campus) because she always made the effort to come over to my place. I always envisioned myself to be absolutely devoted to my love. Now that I have Cindy, and this happens, I just really feel upset with myself everytime I think about this. And with a lot of other things, I feel like I just have been a horrible boyfriend to her. And I feel mixed up between my obligations between Cindy, my friends, and school.

I guess my balencing act between girlfriend and school are a bit screwed up. But, the my friends category can be helped, that's if they want to. I never asked Cisco and Cindy what happened between them, because it was those things that it's between them that I should have no business. But, I remembered that early in their relationship, they talked about getting through the bugs and what happens if they ever split. But, coming from this to not speaking to each other or being friends is very confusing and puzzling. I'm having trouble comprehending how people that considered to be their brother and sister can end up not even considering each other as friends. I screwed up with a friendship in the past, but it does not mean that I need to use my selfish act to blind the fact that she is a good person. I hate it when Cisco and Cindy are in the same room they talk to either Justin or Jason on how good their day was as if the had to be one up on each other on who had the best day. I hate this whole competition and poltics. I just want everyone to to hang out with each other as a family without these restrictions. You guys are good people, the best people in my eyes. See each other as good people, it's not fair to the people you know that we all can't be in the same setting together. I might be wrong with all this, but at least consider what I'm saying.

This is what has been on my mind the past month, I wish I never have to think about this.

posted by Knight of Clap-Claps @ 7:20 PM